liisupzz (liisupzz) wrote,

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I just want to be left alone (with someone) for Christmas.

Get me OFF!! I want off! I want off from this train that is my life because It's bloody going in the wrong direction! I was supposed to have thought up what I want from my life and I was supposed to have my life in order by now! It's the wrong train! I want off!

I feel like at the moment I'm in the middle of something, like between some of the major plots in my life or something and this is the phase in-between. I don't feel like a child (not that I ever really have, but I mean, that when something is wrong, I don't go to my mom about it anymore, even though we're really close) and I don't even know where my home is anymore. I've called so many places 'home' these past three years, that the word has lost it's original meaning of a safe haven to 'a place where I live'. But I guess that's unavoidable, seeing as I've grown apart from my family with the past years. Even if I do go home, my parents mostly aren't even there, or are really tired from work and rather watch TV, than just... I don't even know... talk? I don't know, I just know I don't have that safe place feeling anymore. And it's really scary and sad. But at the same time I'm not a grown-up either. Which is surprisingly frustrating. It annoys me to no end, that I cannot work, have my own place, have money that I've earned myself... It's amazing really, how one can get used to having their own money.

Also... I've kind of ruined my whole plan of starting Uni in some other country, seeing as I'd have to send off the application by 15th of January and I still haven't got the faintest as to what to study. I've considered going into digital media, but it doesn't really sound very me-ish. But there's honestly not a subject, that I feel is completely right for me at this point. But I just recently realised, that if I'd want to try next year, I wouldn't be able to get the reference letters from my current teachers and gahh... Why is everything so bloody difficult?

I don't know... I just wish I could somehow... skip this awkward, confusing phase of my life (not really, but I would like to cut out a few things like school stress and Charles).

Furthermore, I'm so tired of this gifting idea of Christmas. I'd actually love to have a Christmas, where there are NO christmas presents and just people, sitting comfortably, talking. And no TV either. 

Life in general is moving both too fast and too slow. Really annoying.

Is it too much to ask a steady life with possibly a nice partner and friends who are emotionally stable in relationships without coming to me (I STILL don't understand why they come to me.. I've never even BEEN in a proper relationship, seriously..) for advice and comfort for Christmas? I'd just really like for the prelims to be over and cuddle with someone with some glögi (erm... mulled wine?) and tangerines. And I'd like some christmas lights. Lots of Christmas lights. But I'm too poor to buy them.

But hey, maybe next year will be better.
Tags: christmas, real life

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